Marriage -- Part Two...

16) There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married.... and then it was too late!"

17) Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

18) They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.

19) When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

20) There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.

21) Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. (Irwin Corey)

22) When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at. (Epperson's law)

23) Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. (Ray Bandy)

24) The more I know about men, the more I like dogs. (Gloria Allred, feminist attorney, 1995)

25) If God wanted women to understand men, football would never have been created. (Anonymous)

26) If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. (Chekhov)

27) Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. (Woody Allen)

28) Once a boy becomes a man, he's a man all his life. But a woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife. (Al Bundy)

29) If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam. ( Johnny Carson)

30) Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back. (Al Bundy)

31) An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. (Agatha Christie)

Marriage -- Part One...

1) Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence).

2) Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are still attached.

3) Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.

4) Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Master's.

5) Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger, and two under the man's eyes.

6) Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

7) Marriage is not just a having a wife but also worries inherited forever.

8) Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS":
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-ring
* The Endu-ring

9) Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBORS listen.

10) It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

11) Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that instead.

12) It's true that all men are born free and equal-but some of them get MARRIED!

13) There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

14) A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

15) Conversations between son & father:
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

Mountain Neighbors...

Dan, a 35 year old new york stock broker had made it so big on Wall Street that he was able to retire at a young age. Using his wealth, he buys a small cottage in the vermont mountains. After 6 months of hardly any human contact, except for venturing into town for supplies, he hears a knock on his door. He opens the door to find this big, surly, bearded man standing in front of him.

"May I help you," Dan asks.

"The name's Jim, I live 'bout two miles down the road in my cabin," the man says.

"I'm having a party this coming Saturday and I thought I'd invite you seein' that you're new and all here."

Dan accepts the inviation saying, "Great, I haven't been out in six months."

Jim says "I gotta warn ya, there's gon' be a lot a drinkin at this party."

"Well, I've been to all the bars in New York and have held my ground with the best of them," Dan replies.

"A lot of fightin' goes on that these parties too," Jim says.

Dan replies "well, it'll be nice to get out and I think I can hold my own."

Jim offers, "there's also gon' be some wild love making."

"Well I have been alone for the last six months," Dan says with a laugh.

So the two exchange numbers and directions and just as Jim is walking away Dan says "What should I wear?"

Jim turns and replies, "Whatever you want, just gon' be us two."

The Perfect Husband...

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

New Perspective...

After being married 25 years, a man looked at his wife one day and said, "You know, 25 years ago we lived in a cheap apartment, drove a cheap car, had only a sofa bed and watched a 14" black and white television.

But, every night I got to sleep with a hot 25-year-old blonde."

"Now," he continued, "We have a nice house, a new car, a big flat-screen TV, but I have to sleep with a 50-year-old woman. It doesn't seem fair."

His wife was a reasonable woman.

She replied, "Well, why don't you go out and get yourself a hot 25-year-old blonde? Then I'll make sure you will once again live in a cheap apartment, drive a cheap car, have only a sofa bed and watch a 14" black and white television."

The man rethought his priorities.

The Kids Are Alright...

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jello and ice cream. It's a breeze.

"The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born.

Couldn't walk for a year."

School Smarts...

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr. Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer.

After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: "What is the usual tip?"

"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."

"Is that so?" snorted Mr. Smith. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."

"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.

The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."