When Irish Eyes Are Smiling...

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.

'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.

'That little jerk, O'Conner,' says Sean,

'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'

'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'

'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?'

That I did,' said Paddy.

'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.'

****

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'.

'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?'

'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. 'There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..'

'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.'

'I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim. 'How did it happen, Tim?

''It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.

'Oh my dea! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?'

'Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.'

****

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!'

Would You Light My Candle...

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.'

They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again.

The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan , how are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'

The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer candle.'

A Godly Geek Out...

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off..

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work..

Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES...

(Groan)

My Word!

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP:
Never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

KLEENEX:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have. You have character lines.

Good quotes

The best of mankind is a farmer; the best food is fruit.

Do not vacillate or you will be left in between doing something, having something and being nothing.

The haughty blind person picks a fight with his guide.

There is no one who became rich because he broke a holiday, no one became fat because he broke a fast.

A blade won't cut another blade; a cheat won't cheat another cheat.

A bleating sheep loses a bite.

A cat may go to a monastery, but she still remains a cat.

A fool and water will go the way they are diverted.

A fool at forty is a fool indeed.

Advise and counsel him; if he does not listen, let adversity teach him.

Evil enters like a needle and spreads like an oak tree.

What one hopes for is always better than what one has.

A mouse that wants to die goes to sniff the cat's nose.

Dine with a stranger, but save your love for your family.

A man who is too modest goes hungry.

If you offend, ask for pardon; if offended, forgive.

When a fool is cursed, he thinks he is being praised.

Liver and Cheese (Good one)

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says....

Liver alone. Cheese mine.

You Know You're A Mom When... (HAPPY MOTHER"S DAY)

* You count the number of sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they are equal.

* You want to take out a contract on the kid who broke your child's favorite toy and made him/her cry.

* You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

* You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

* Your child throws up and you catch it.

* Someone else's kid throws up at a party and you keep eating.

* You consider finger paint to be a controlled substance.

* You mastered the art of placing food on a plate without anything touching.

* Your child insists that you read "Once upon a Potty" out loud in the lobby of the doctor's office and you do it.

* You hire a baby sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then you spend half the night talking about and checking on the kids.

* You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it's the only one your child eats.

* You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into unusual shapes.

* You fast-forward through the scene when the hunter shoots Bambi's mother.

* You obsess when your child clings to you upon parting during his first month at school, then you obsess when he skips in without looking back.

* You can't bear to give away baby clothes--it's so final.

* You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "Not in your good clothes."

* You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.

* You read that the average-five-year old asks 437 questions a day and feel proud that your kid is "above average."

*Your feet stick to grape jelly on the kitchen floor..... and you don't care.

*When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone's bleeding.

*You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.

*Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.

*Popsicles become a food staple.

*Your favorite television show is a cartoon.

*You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of what body part it happens to be on.

*You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!

*Spit is your number one cleaning agent.

*You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.

*You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; but your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun anyway.

*You're up each night until 11 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes,
putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, NOT you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, rollerblading, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet ... you still managed to gain 10 pounds.

Q & A With a Young Boy

A first-grade teacher, Ms Anna (Age 22 ) was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked the boy, 'what is your problem?'

The boy answered, 'I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!'

Ms Anna had enough. She took the boy to the principal's office. While the boy waited at the reception of the office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms Anna he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Boy: '9'.

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Boy: '36'.

So it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Anna and tells her, 'I think Boy can go to the third-grade. '

Ms Anna says to the principal, 'I have some of my own questions, can I ask him?' The principal and Bo! y both agree.
< B>
Ms Anna asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy: after a moment 'Legs.'

Ms Anna: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
Boy: 'Pockets.'

Ms Anna: 'What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid'?
Boy: 'Coconut'

Ms Anna: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky'?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge.
Boy: 'Bubblegum'

Ms Anna: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs'?
The principal's eyes ope! n really wide again and before he could stop the answer...
Boy: 'Shake hands'

Ms Anna: 'Now, I will ask some who am I sort of questions, okay'?
Boy: 'Yep.'

Ms Anna: 'You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.'
Boy: 'A tent'

Ms Anna: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense. He took one large Vodka peg.
Boy: 'Wedding Ring'

Ms Anna: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy: Nose

Ms Anna: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I com e with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow

Ms Anna: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy: Firetruck

Ms Anna: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if you dont get it you have to use your hand.
Boy: Fork

Ms Anna: What is it that all men have one of. It's longer on some men than on others, the pope does not use his, and a man gives it to his wife after they are married?
Boy: Surname

Ms Anna: What part of the man has no bones but has muscles, lots of veins and loves pumping?
Boy: 'Heart'

The principal breathed a sigh of! relief and said to the teacher : 'Send this boy to Stanford University ; I myself got all the answers wrong'.