The Handy-Woman...

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it? The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porsche, it's a Lexus."

The Best Genie Story Ever

Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

The wife Promptly hacked her first shot right through the

Window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll

Have to go up there, find the owner, apologies, and see how much

Your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, 'Come on in..'

when they opened the door they saw the damage that was done:

Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was

Lying on its side near the broken window.

A large black man reclining on the couch asked,' Are you the

People that broke my window?'

'Uh..yeah, sir. We're sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.

You see, I'm a Genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for

A thousand years.

Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three

Wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll

Keep the last one for myself.'

'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment

And blurted out,

'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I

Can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!

And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in

Every Country in the world,' she said.

Consider it done, 'the genie said. 'And your homes

Will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'



'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'What's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a

Woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your
wife!'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey,you know

We both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You

Know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't

Mind, but what about you, honey?'

'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. 'I'd do the same for
you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the

Rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.


The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and

Looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your

husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded, breathlessly.

No Kidding.' he said, 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still

Believe in genies?'

Needles Are Not Nice...

Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.

"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.

"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.

"So? Are you afraid?"

"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.

Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"

To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"

Mama Needs A New Pair of Shoes...

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement.

Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Dang it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Children in Church

3-year-old Reese:

"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying:

"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed:

"And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

Marriage...Strike That, Reverse It...

A conversation before marriage...

He : Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She : Do you want me to leave?

He : No! Don't even think about it.

She : Do you love me?

He : Of course! Over and over!

She : Have you ever cheated on me?

He : No! Why are you even asking?

She : Will you kiss me?

He : Every chance I get.

She : Will you hit me?

He : Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!

She : Can I trust you?

He : Yes.

She : Darling!

To read a conversation after marriage, simply read this in reverse...

Sitting Swimmingly...

Three guys enter a special swimming contest whereby each contestant is born disabled. The first has no arms. The second hasno legs and the third has no body, just a head.

The prospect of the race was a bit ridiculous, but the three had all trained and such a contest was historic, so many people gathered to watch.

They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they’re all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly, but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. Everybody applauds, (except the guy with no arms, of course.)

The guy with no legs can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides, with all good sportsmanship, to dive down to the bottom of the pool to rescue his fellow competitor. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where upon the head starts coughing and sputtering.

Eventually the head catches his breath. He takes a moment and then begins to fume. His face red and steaming, he turns to the crowd and shouts:

"Three years I’ve spent learning to swim with my ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some jerk puts a swimming cap on me!"